Having spent the past 3 days(and nights) working on a seemingly simple task of designing a basic calculator, it’s rather disappointing that it didn’t work when I got to the lab. It’s not so much a disappointment actually…it’s really more some sort of sudden rush of fatigue.

It’s like you know you’re on the cusp of something great and that you’re so close to achieving the task yet you’ve toiled so much you suddenly wonder if you can last long enough to get there. I’ve got a lot of time actually. The project is really only due in 3 weeks time but i want to complete within the next 3 days so that i can focus on other activities…

I’m so tired.
I think I shall go home and sleep first….

I logged onto my friendster account after what must have been ages…

It struck me how people have changed. As I was clearing away my profile pictures of cat and me…Everything seemed so distant…so unreal. I wondered where that phase of my life was…hell, I wondered if it really happened even. I guess that’s what they mean when they say that things have simply become a memory.

Then I clicked around and saw Valerie’s blog entry. She seemed so different. I havent seen her in like 3 years? Ok. I think I saw her at Fish’s birthday dinner last year but it was really a touch and go thing for me. Things had somehow already changed by then. I’d like to meet her some day. As I would like to meet the so many people i’ve lost touch with over the years.

Heh, I stumbled upon the profile of an old crush of mine. Haha. My first and only crush on a Malay girl to date. Didn’t last very long. I’ll tell you why. Heh, at that time in school, she was a councillor in the sports council and I was in the student council and one fine day we had a disagreement over the roles of our two councils. For some reason, the flame died down that day. I remember someone telling me how stupid a thing it was for me to let go. Thinking back…I was so trivial(not that I thought I stood a chance in the first place). Or perhaps, it just shows how much more I prioritise my work over everything else.

In any case, it’s a saturday evening and somehow, i hope one day, i’ll be able to meet all these people again. Perhaps help them with their lives just as they’ve helped to shape mine…

that day a part of me died
yes.
died.

I was in my friend’s car when the topic of cynics came up. Well, not cynics per se but more so the questions we get for the effort we make.

Where do I start? What do I do next? Am I living in a fantasy world that I carve for myself? Do you really see that the things I do will go no where? Do you really think that what I’m doing will amount to little, if anything. How do I be great? Where do start? What do I do next? I start from I know, and go to places I can see. Is that enough? I don’t think so. But where do I start? What do I do next?

I know they say that the road I chose is a lonely one…often lined with people who will question your ability to finish the race, or perhaps even question if you’re on the right track to begin with, They say that it’s like a dark road that brightens only at the finish line…a line no one can see.

I have a dream. Where do I start? What do I do next?
Does not knowing where mean I shouldn’t start at the only place i know?

I feel more lonely now more than ever. There are so many things running in my head that even when my closest friends ask me how things are going i just say they’re fine…

there are too many things on my mind, too many things keeping me thinking all the time…and i think i’m just getting used to them being there.

Good night

Lying still on the edge of my bed, there is a great sadness that wells up inside me. Like a dark shadow waiting to explode from within it stalks me. It brings me no peace when I close my eyes, and it distracts me when I am awake. There is so much in my life that feels superficial. So much more that is tainted by the blood of cynics. What have I become?

Lying still on the edge of my bed, there is a shadow. It looms from within. And it leaves me lonely. Yet, it is my friend.