Hey hey!

My Personal Blog Has moved to www.ridzuan.info

UPDATE YOUR BOOKMARKS and you LINKS!

Of course, xsmatter.com will still be active for the xsmatter stuff =)

by Jesse McCartney

I shouldn’t love you but I want you
I just can’t turn away
I shouldn’t see you but I can’t move
I can’t look away

[Chorus]

2006.
I’m not sure if it was a good year or not. Academically, it was a year where I re-thought my priorities and figured that the super grade A was not what I was after. What I really wanted to achieve out of university was to graduate on time and to build relations with people. I also figured that it would be the best time to leverage on the campus facilities and programmes to kickstart my career. So yup. After being an above average Singaporean student, i’m now a below average student…academically that is.

Business. What was formerly known as CyberSpace@Excalibur became Splazz Solutions Pte Ltd in June 2006. With it, Malcolm was officially roped in to handle the financial matters and Ivan being our strategic consultant. With that, we have a complete team to handle the company holistically. I’d say that we’re still struggling to niche ourselves but looking back at the past 6 months, we’re definitely in better shape today than we were yesterday.

XSMatter on the other hand has been struggling with the editorial content. With the permanent writers being Ivan and myself, the content being published has been irregular with lapses of months sometimes. This is has not been good but i’ve had great difficulty trying to find someone who remotely shares the purpose of XSMatter…except for Darren(who is busier than I am so I don’t want him to be writing either). Amongst the lessons learnt here is that writing commentaries takes a lot of time. It also takes a certain patience to research, analyse and then to form solid entries that look at the issue holistically so as to provide a sound argument, or opinion. It’s even more difficult if you want to publish an alternative viewpoint….

Life.
Life has not been very kind. In a scary kind of way, i’ve grown up a lot in 2006. I’ve shed a lot of my old self to become someone that I barely recognise sometimes. The truth is, i’ve been struggling to get over cat and I keep swinging between knowing that I have…and then suddenly being reminded that I haven’t. This really sucks. I’ve learnt here that love is no trivial affair no matter how you look at it. It’s a force that is capable of driving people to great lengths to achieve or destroy unimaginable objectives. From wars to suicides…love often has a great role.

I’ve grown more worried about how my family will be in a few more years. I’ve grown to become impatient to take over the financial responsibilities that my father currently shoulders. He deserves to be relieved of that responsibility. It is with this purpose that I think 2007 will be the year that this might happen…in part if not in full.

Of the things that i’ve become most worried about over 2006 is how I’ve become detached from people. From the way I look at relationships to friendships…everything has become very…cynical…very selfish. I’ve had conversations with friends and it showed me what I had become…

“I want a girl that will be there only when I want her to be there. When i’m busy…i’d like to just buzz off.”

“Oh…that girl? Neah…I just ignore her. I don’t want her to get the wrong impression. Plus i think she’s…emotionally high maintenance. I can afford that…but she’s not worth it. Not to me at least.”

…

Yeah. That was my 2006. Pathetic but true.
I’ll write about 2007 tomorrow or when I’m free…

P.S. Jenna found me! I swear, Jenna if you’re reading this…One day we’ll have to meet…I’ll either go over to the US or you’re just going to have to fly down to Singapore…We seriously have to stop this lost and found pattern. Haha! It’s been 3 times over the past 2 years! haha

What is sorrow I thought to myself…

Sorrow is not a bad thing. It’s just that a piece of you died and it’s still right where you left it…

===========================================

I chatted with Cat last night and met fish and tk today.

I only realised how much my perception of a relationship has changed. I’ve always known it’d changed…but now…i Know. I’ve become that kind of bastard I loathe.

Or maybe…i now understand that maybe they’re not so bastardly afterall…they all must have their stories too…

Next year is going to be a terribly exciting year.

The results will be out in like 2 days. I’m hoping I cleared everything. I don’t really care about whether I did well, but boy do I want to clear them..It’s like I’m pretty sure I know what the modules are about and i’ll know where to reference to if I come across such theories…

Anyway, back to the top…next year is going to be terrible exciting. Why? Because there are so many things that will be happening. For one, in the early part of the year, XSMatter will most likely become XSMatter Pte Ltd and a string of things will go from there…

That coupled with my the workload for Year 2 Sem 2, i’m really wondering if I can cope. I know everyone is asking me the same question. Maybe it’s a rebellious little creature inside me or something but I’m refusing to delay my plans…

I’m really unhealthy now. I can feel my health deteriorating. I’m not as agile as I was. I’m not as alert as I was. I can’t run as far. And one worrying this is sometimes my knees kinda ‘lock’. They suddenly give me this sharp pain in the knees that hurts even more if i move it. It’s like hinges that are not well oiled and squeeks when you move em.

Is this entry supposed to be a prelude to my list of resolutions or something? i think so…but in the meantime, i’ve got work to do…and so…

I’m off~! Tata~!

The rain hasn’t stopped for a very long time now…I can’t seem to remember when it started. Come to think of it, i’ve been forgetting a lot of things lately. The worse was yesterday morning…

I received a text message from darren about a new meeting time and stuff and i composed the reply…I think I sent the reply. But I can’t remember. In any case, less than a minute after I think I sent it, i wasn’t sure if I sent it. So i re-composed the message and sent it again…How does one forget something in seconds? I must be growing old…

Was talking to Jenn online yesterday and telling her my spate of detached feelings. I’ve been feeling really detached lately. Hah. What she said sounded weird but it seemed rather apt, come to think of it.

"you’re really the kinda guy who’s looking for that soulmate to complete him i think"

soulmate. It sounds like a word out of a fairytale. Like ‘match made in heaven’. Like ‘an angel with wings’. Like a episode where two people walk in the rain together laughing and making fun of each other until they’re all spent and they sit under a bridge. Like something that’s imagined.

I think i’m growing up. The brutal realities of life are finally seeping into my bloodstream. And just like the bitter black coffee that i’m sipping at right now, it tastes somewhat dark but it keeps you alive. Its like this weird concoction of bitter-dream mix.

Oh well.

C’est la vie.

I’m quite impressed by the thinkpads ability to not-overheat despite long hours of usage…i’ve been using for what must be 8 hours(yesterday it was on for like 16hours) but still there’s bare a trace of warmth. In fact, the portable modem is already pretty hot…heh

Good piece of machinery this thing

It’s 3am and somewhere at the back of my head it signals the end of my one week self declared break from work(Exams ended exactly one week ago).

So what’s up from tomorrow onwards? Well…tomorrow…I’m going to kick off the day with a meeting with Darren and the League of Entrepreneurs committee. We’re planning a NTC Minor Programme Year-End Party for the 23 December! It’s agenda…pure fun. So yeah, if you’re reading this…Keep that evening free! Catered BBQs! And tons of people! And if you’re lucky, we might be able to get a band in! yay!

After that, i’ll probably rush home to do some housework before my parents return at night. Let’s see…i’ve got to clean up my room, dry the dishes, clean up the living room, dining room, kitchen…did I miss anything?

Once I’m done with that, it’s a rush back to NTU for a focus group discussion on Muslims and the News or something. I’m not so sure really…but they’re giving me an incentive of like 50bucks..plus i’m helping Esther out so I think it’s pretty cool. Heh, when she called me i thought it was to ask me for coffee or something…haiz. But oh well…everyone’s busy I suppose. I guess I’m jealous that when they’re socialising, i’m not one of those they invite. C’est la vie.

Anyway, once i’m done with the focus group…it’s off to the airport to pick my parents up. Haven’t seen them for an entire week…I think i’m all ready to live on my own now! haha. I just have to learn to love to do 3 things…

1. Do laundry(I have no idea how to tell which ones have colours that run)
2. Iron clothes(this takes a hell lot of time!)
3. Wash the toilet( Did in army…Can’t do it now..why?)

Oh well…from tomorrow onwards, i’ll be back in blogging action on xsmatter as well as on the splazz blog. First up tomorrow…read newspapers again! =)

Good night people!

I’m in sembawang coffee bean trying out my new M1 broadband device. I got the 384Kbps plan so it’s not exactly the fastest connection but it’s decent enough to allow me to surf, chat, check mails, send out mails, watch a few youtube videos so i’m not complaining yet…We’ll see how it goes…But it’s pretty darn cool now that I can surf from anywhere now…

Thankfully the sun plaza m1 branch has so few people…the one at bukit batok was super packed…

Ciaoz

I don’t know you. But it seems you know quite a bit about me, and my family. And it seems you’re making serious threats to my family.

Now, i’ll be honest with you. I don’t who you are. I don’t know how exactly much you know. But if you get here, and you’re reading this. Then yes, this is for you.

I am warning you to stay away from my entire family. Settle. If you want, we meet, we settle it one time…If you harm anyone, i’ll tell you what’s going to happen. I’ll drop all my plans - school & work - and I will find you. And I will find everyone who’s working for you. And I will find your family. And I will taste their blood.

From what I know, you sound like an educated person. But if you cannot understand me, i’ll make it simple for you.

You don’t disturb my family, I don’t disturb yours. If you do, i’ll kill your mother, your father, your brother, your sister, your wife, your girlfriends, your children.
…I can find you.