I wanted to make a note of what I heard on the telly just now…I was watching "Adaptation" starring Nicholas Cage. Good show.

"You are what you love. Not what loves you."

Dear Life,

Hell yeah.

Try and stop me! Throw me everything you’ve got. I’m not going down. Not now. Not yet. Everything’s going too well for me to give up. I’m living on a never-ending clock cycle. I’m living with a to-do list that’s so long that I sometime’s don’t look at it anymore. You give me so many projects that I want to just not bother about them.

But no. That’s not what i’m gonna do.

I’ve got great working partners. I’ve got great friends. I’ve got a great family. I’ve got so many opportunities. I’m blessed with the courage to step up to the plate and make decisions based on what I think is right. I’m blessed with the courage to not let the judgement of others affect me. I’m blessed with the vision to care about what goes on beyond the horizon.

I’ve got too many good things going my way.

And if you’re going to press me down. I’m only going to rise up higher. Stronger. Wiser. Harder.

And you know what Mr. Life?

I’m going to spread the love. I’m going to go far across the seas to spread the passion for living…for dreaming.

And when my time is up…you’ll remember us all as the ones who made a difference - The ones who had the guts to change the world.

So c’mon. Show me what you’ve got. I’ll show you everything I have…and more.

Yours,
Ridz

Word-of-the-day : Smitten
So much work.
Scared.
Fear.
I think I like blog entries made up of one-liners.
I’m so tired of being tired.
How?
Do you know what the difference between a MicroController and a MicroProcessor? I do. Haha.
I want to be a glorified nerd.
I want to be batman with the cool gadgets.
Can I wake up late tomorrow?
If I tell myself that I can skip just one class…would I end up being addicted to it?
"Dont try ridz. You’ll end up skipping the semester."
Dance. Dance. Dance. I want to dance in the solace of my little room.
I want someone to hold
To talk to
To share my life with.
Got people who’ll bother meh?
I’m going back to AJ to see Ms Siau on friday evening. So excited.
It’s so nice to only be a student.
I feel old.
Older that I actually am at least.
I watched homosexual monkeys on Discovery too. Specifically…lesbian monkeys…in Japan.
Gee…even female monkeys don’t care about males….
How do you master the concept of databases?
How do I contribute back to the world?
How do I save my brother?
When will grow up?…and when will I go through childhood again?
Are you actually reading this?
I’m on my bed now. I forgot to turn the aircon on…but
i’m too lazy to go to the remote…
Sheesh.
I actually spent like an hour trying to look for the torrent for her.
Couldn’t find it. haha. My pirate skills are going down.
I so want to ask her out.
No guts.
Sheesh…again.
Sometimes I feel so tired of living.
Other times, i can’t wait to step out of the house to face Life.
And sometimes
I just wanna lay down and watch the stars
or watch the sunrise
or take a walk
But…the picture is still incomplete.
I still feel empty.
I’m moving too fast.
so fast that i’m all alone.
and I don’t know where I am.
I scared shitless.
I need a hug.
…
Suck it up ridz.
suck
it
up.

….*sobz*

oh man…
my heart skipped a beat when i saw her today…

I was in a melancholic state when I wrote my previous entry. I was in Sembawang Coffee Bean gazing out the glass window, into the rain watching them smash the ground mercilessly.

Once the entry was published. I decided. Break out of this shit. I shut down my laptop and went upstairs to catch "Flags of our Fathers". I wanted to ask malcolm but his phone was off i think and nothing would stop me from watching it there and then. haha. It was a great show. A bit slow but it reminded me that at the end of the day we do many great things for much simpler reasons. And sometimes, only we understand how important those simple reasons.

But I think the pick-me-up came after I bought 2 spanking new notebooks(no, i don’t mean laptops.) One is this black one with thick bold red "LOVE" on one side and another is a thinner book with the words, "FSCK IT" . I intend to use em for charting down new ideas - one for splazz(FSCK IT) and the other for XSMatter.

After that, I work started falling into place. And things started coming into perspective.

Ridz is back. again.
Yay~!

I don’t know you. But it seems you know quite a bit about me, and my family. And it seems you’re making serious threats to my family.

Now, i’ll be honest with you. I don’t who you are. I don’t know how exactly much you know. But if you get here, and you’re reading this. Then yes, this is for you.

I am warning you to stay away from my entire family. Settle. If you want, we meet, we settle it one time…If you harm anyone, i’ll tell you what’s going to happen. I’ll drop all my plans - school & work - and I will find you. And I will find everyone who’s working for you. And I will find your family. And I will taste their blood.

From what I know, you sound like an educated person. But if you cannot understand me, i’ll make it simple for you.

You don’t disturb my family, I don’t disturb yours. If you do, i’ll kill your mother, your father, your brother, your sister, your wife, your girlfriends, your children.
…I can find you.

Ridz: It’s 1.20am…and i’m not done studying yet…and honestly, I don’t feel like it.

Ridzuan: Yeah. So?

Ridz: I don’t know. I guess I was looking for some kind of validation and encouragement by telling you that…Like say, "It’s ok…I understand. But c’mon, it’s the last paper."

Ridzuan: You’re pathetic you know that? For all the crap you spew, you’re really crap.

Ridz: I know that most of them time. You think I don’t know that? You think it’s easy being me trying to do so many things on my own?

Ridzuan: Well, you crap out when the going gets tough don’t you? It all started with that busted knee don’t you think? That really blew your ego didn’t it, to admit defeat and have to nod your head to shitheads with bars and crabs on their shoulders . Since then, look at yourself your lousy excuse for a shithead - you’ve lost everything. How many friends are still bitching with you? They’re all probably bitching about you now. now now, don’t blame them because you distanced yourself from all of them. Your self-defeating "I’m not good enough for you" attitude probably contributed to your great loss. Losing your first love is big shit isn’t it? It’s still affecting you even now isn’t it? You think your ideal valued life is the way to go don’t you? Well wake up asswipe and smell the damn roses. Everyone’s got it tough. Everyone’s lost a first love. Everyone else who has friends, probably has friends who bitch about them behind their backs. You think you have it worse? You’re afraid to fail aren’t you?

Well listen up kid, you said it yourself…Anyone can get anything if they want it bad enough. Do you want whatever it is you want badly enough?

Ridz: Yeah.

Ridzuan: Good. Then shut up and suck it up.

Another piece i’m storing here….I didn’t finish it…I fell asleep while typing it…we missed our flight you see and had to wait for something like 12 hours or something…
———————————————-
They say you could capture a moment in a picture. From the person’s expression to his gesures. But I think you can capture a moment in words. In fact, if you do it right…you capture everything - the emotion. The emotional moment. ANd I shall attempt to capture that…

…The moment when I first met her…
There she was behind the glass window. She stood there with her friends. After what must have been an eternity, we figured we’d step through the glass and share the warmth of the room…And in that time, we introduced ourselves and shook hands. Yes. We shook hands. For that brief moment, everything else became immaterial. Her voice mesmerised me. The touch of her hand struck me deep - it was firm but it was gentle at the same time. You know how you get that feeling when you have something lodged in your chest yet you can’t really put a finger on what it is? Yeah that was it. In a desperate attempt to get a grip on myself, I must have stuttered out my name "Ridz" with my "R" being rather incomprehensible…But that was it. In that moment I found her, I already knew I was going to lose her. Her fingers loosened the grip and in about the same time length of time that it took me to lose-my-breath and breathe, it was over. She stood behind an invisible wall. In fact, two. While the first one would be broken down with friendship…the second was one I erected. A wall that was meant to defend and protect - me. How do you allow a heart to love when love had broken it into a thousand pieces before? Be happy that it didn’t break into a million? Haha. Not funny.

By that I mean…i’m re-arranging my computer folders and deleting out unused files and stuff…

I chanced upon some random writing I did while I was waiting for my return flight when I was in Shanghai earlier this year…I want to delete the file to reduce clutter…so i’ll use my blog to store the piece…( haha, yes, so now blog has become a storeroom…lol)

For Cathy…hope you’re doing fine….
————————-

Like a little boy he walked into an unknown place - He spoke not their language and he recognised nothing. Yet with a recently renewed sense of adventure he ventured into that mass of bodies that were swarming the entire space. They stopped for nothing, shoving and hurling loud insults in the air.

What would the person I’d like to be tomorrow do in the position I am today?