My entire week was a mad rush of going to school(sometimes late) and rushing back home to grab a nap and then preparing for the next day’s worth of schoolwork.

You see, i’m in the midst of my Design and Development Project(DDP) where we work in teams of 6 to design a mechanical ‘mouse’ that can traverse a map and follow a black line. There’s more that it can do but to cut a long story short, i’m stuck with a lab partner that doesn’t know much. But that’s fine really because I don’t think I knew much either.

But I think he’s lazy.

He keeps pushing all the work to me citing a myriad of reasons like, "I’m not good at programming" or "I think we do it together" and then proceeds to con me into programming all the stuff while he’s just coming up with simple logic which even a secondary school kid could come up with.

The biggest bomb came when I asked him to do some wire wrapping(to take those wires and coiling it around an electrical pin…10secs worth of work…15 at most.) and he goes on to say, "I’m not good at it man. Plus, i’m not sure how to read your design. I think you should do it."

SO…I am doing the programming. I am also doing the assembly programming. I am also designing the circuit. And I am wiring the entire thing. What is he doing? He insists that his contribution in terms of the logic is something big.

It’s really pissing me off considering he’s an Indian Scholar.

then again…everyone knows what kind of reputation most of them have…

But that’s an entry for another day…

On a final note, for those of you who don’t already know…i’ve actually got a domain at www.ridzuan.info . It’s currently re-directing to here but soon i’ll be moving this personal blog over to that page permanently…Just wanted to let you know…

Have a good weekend~!

I sit here with so many thoughts running through my head yet when i pick one to write about…the words fail me.

I love my father. I’d like to tell him to stop being so apologetic for not being able to give his children more…because he’s done more than we can ever ask for.

While sleeping a few days, I dreamt of Mikeller(One of last year’s NTU pageant contestant). I thought it was funny because I’ve only seen her twice. And the dream itself was this…I coincidentally was in the same building as some graduation party she was having and I was so sleepy that I went into the female washroom, plonked myself down on one the cubicle floor, closed the WC lid and slept. Mikeller later walks in and is shocked to find me. Haha. Effectively, I dreamt of sleeping. Must be a sign that I’m too tired.

My life is passing me by these days. I’m losing touch with my friends and i haven’t been able to find enough time to spend time with them. Even Zhiyong’s back in Australia..and I didn’t even say goodbye. In fact, I forgot he even left until malcolm told me the day after. Sheesh. Talk about me being  a good friend.

I just insulted a friend over MSN unintentionally. The feeling sucks. This is why I don’t make a good friend.

It’s funny how the world turns on you in a matter of seconds. One second you’re laugh and messing around with people and then all of a sudden everything crashes. This is why sometimes I think of life like one big morbid joke - it messes around with you - throwing you high up and letting you crash straight to the ground. Then..it throws you even higher.

I’m becoming a more private person these days. I stand in front of everyone with this mask of bravado. and it’s mask that’s so well plastered that even when i’m home i wear it still.

Sometimes I still miss her. Sometimes, I just miss myself. But mostly, I miss us.

Oh well…C’est la vie

Don’t expect anything from life. She’ll give you nothing.

I was on the way to school today and i hope it’s not just me…but the uncle who was driving the 179 bus today must have been in the mood to race or something. Every turn he took or even a bend caused me to grip the rails for my life. It didn’t help that the bus was full and there was this lady that standing in front of me using her phone so she was like swinging around and making me feel as if I was the that keeps crashing into her.

Why is it that buses don’t go fast when I have a seat?

I’m here in the lobby of the Civil Service Club where i’m supposed to be attending a meetup for idealist.org.

There’s only one problem. I’ve been here for the past half hour trying to find out where the people are. Given I came 15minutes late and there are only 6 people coming for the thing, maybe I’m expecting too much to have signages and all…

I went to the office to check on whether the organiser had booked a room. But nope. I’ve also scoured the building looking for possible people. Nothing. I eventually decided to sit here and blog about it when I saw a sign saying that th eplace is being monitored(and I fear they might think i’m some civil servant assasin).

So there…I’m irritated that I made a trip all the down from Jurong to Little India only to sit in a lobby…knowing that they’re somewhere in a building i’ve never been to, and meeting people i’ve never even seen.

Sheesh.

This absolutely sucks. What was a great day yesterday night at the Ping.Sg meetup morphed into a terrible morning, worse day today. Maybe this is a sign that I shouldn’t be spending too many long and late nights…

I can’t think properly when i’m trying to balance my head on my shoulders. And what does that mean? That means I can’t get my work done on time. Then what? Then I’m so fucked.

I missed all my classes today because I was at home trying to sort out some coding my lab project today…Alas, I missed the lab itself too because I simply wasn’t feeling well enough. This does not bode well for my reputation. But heck. I’ll produce. I always do. (Although this semester I just feel like giving it all up.)

I still have assembly programming for the CPE206 module. Geez, I still have the wiring to do too. Gotta get all the keypad, CPU and LEDs to register values correctly
I still need to go back to the electronics lab to complete Lab 1 of CPE208 and write the report for that. Then I’ll need to finish up Lab 3.
I still need to write my report for Lab 1 of CPE205.
CPE207…I’ll need to check with my team what happened during lab today…
Then there will be DDP.

Then the stupid Joomla is giving me problems for the xsmatter site. They’ve got a dumb way of storing the timestamp, the value on the table is one thing, the value shown is another and the value on the feed is different. Why can’t they just store one value and then do a simple offset for the timezone? Shucks. Ok la…maybe its not dumb. They factored in the server time. And the complication arises because the syndication is done by a 3rd party script. Argh. All my posts on ping.sg starts off being 6hours old. After tweaking, they start off as being 13 hours old.

How wonderful.

Why is it that i’m disappointed by him doubting me…?

Maybe I got too close…proximity always leads to disappointment. I should have learnt that already.

You know what’s the crappiest thing that can happen?
It’s when you spent weeks working on a document…and 12 hours before you meet the client…
You lose it.

Argh. I lost a development document.

…and I still have tutorial to prepare for…argh

I mean…It’s one thing if you develop a crush when you meet someone…but before you even see who she is? Kaoz….doesn’t make sense.

But, nevertheless…I’m still madly in that state. haha.

But here’s the good news: The past did not catch up on me this time. Maybe I’ve beaten it…I’ll find out in a few days…I always find out in a few days…

i’m very stressed.

2.13am

This week has been a nice week. I unofficially took time off from work and just focused on trying to be a student - getting my facts about the semester’s requirements right and spending time with the friends that I should be spending more time with…It’s been like getting close to dream. And now waking up and being in that state of pseudo-awareness.

Today was Zhaike’s birthday and it was nice to be part of the mini-celebration thing. You know it would be really cool to be in their clique(Actually any clique would be cool I guess). But I especially think their clique is cool because they have such a range of people. JC and Poly students. Singaporeans, Malaysians, PRCs. Even their characters are so diverse. But they stick together. That feeling of going through something big in your life with a group of people is a feeling that is not something I get anymore…

I know it’s very pathetic to be in this state of melancholy yet I can’t help but wish for some things in my life to be different. I wish I could walk this path with people who actually understand how I feel. People who know who I really am. My fears, my vulnerabilities. The innermost me is someone that is so reclusive that sometimes I wonder if i’m even real.

I was on the bus with mag leaving campus and…I’m not sure why…but i started talking about how I do this for family, friends(people I care about) and sacrifice and how I can only hope that I’m doing the right thing. Hah, At some point…i swear, I thought I wanted to tear about it. Haha. Madness.

Have my emotions become so self-contained that i’m simply imploding?

Sometimes I wish I never tasted love.

What the fuck am I talking about? I dunno la. I’m just feeling damn pathetic right now. 2.34am. i think i’ve reached that stage where I wake up from a nice dream…and finally realise that it was a dream.

Good night.